Time is of the Essence

Sighs of relief, sighs of exhaustion. I’m definitely experiencing the sighs of exhaustion.

Everyday I pretty much have the same schedule.  I get up in the morning, way to early in my opinion, and go to practice. Then I have school all day, which causes a wide range of emotions to arise. Then I go home and try to do homework but end up getting distracted, falling asleep, or having an appointment or errands to run. Oh, but wait, there’s more. I then have yet another practice to go to. Once I get home and eat and shower, it is about 9:00 at night.  And then it is crunch time. I have to do all my homework in a certain amount of time so I make sure I get enough sleep before morning practice the next day. This thing called a “good night sleep” never happens. And this cycle repeats. Every day. I can never seem to keep up with the clock.

I’m not going to lie, I am so exhausted right now. To make things worse, I am sick too. I feel so run–down and it is hard to keep up with my grueling routine. Just today, my club swim coach said, “Pushing yourself isn’t always a good thing.” And he is right. I have always had pressure to never miss a practice, to always be doing something. Pushing through my injuries, trying to recover. My parents were varsity athletes when they were my age so they expect me to be determined and to push myself. But, I keep getting sick and my pain never goes away.  I also feel pressure from my peers and team mates. They make snide comments like,”Oh, well,you wouldn’t know because your practice isn’t as hard as ours,”(side note: my practices are very hard for me) and “You’re not taking Physics? How come you are only taking two AP classes? You won’t have a good shot to make it into a high level college!”. Well I’m tired of it. It’s my body, my life, and I’m nothing like the rest of you. No one is perfect!

I’m stuck in a rut that was dug out by high expectations, physical exhaustion, and a ton of homework.  Every time I try to take time to relax, I end up paying the consequences later when it is midnight and I realized I’m still four chapters behind in The Grapes of Wrath for English.  Plus, it is only the beginning of swim season in high school, which are probably the most stressful, fun, and exhausting four months of my life.  I can’t even fathom what college will be like.

I’m not a person to whine to others or complain excessively about my troubles because I understand that everyone goes through hardships. If I do say something, it is just me being real, or if someone asks me about it. I’m usually outgoing but lately I have been feeling numb. Just going through the motions. Doing everything with lack luster.

And you know what, I actually read the last reading assignment in The Grapes of Wrath. After finishing the last page of the assigned reading, I felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulders for a moment. I felt this newly discovered confidence in my ability to keep up and I felt prepared for those dreaded reading pop quizzes. I felt good. I felt how I used to feel in the beginning of the year in school, on top of my game, caught up. And I ended up scoring a nine out of ten on the quiz (which is substantially higher than the grades on my last quizzes where I guessed on each question).  I want to feel that way again. I need to recover from this cold and get back into it with a new mindset, climb out of that rut, and go about life feeling rejuvenated and confident in myself that I can do it. Why wait for some supernatural force stop time in order for you to catch some extra Z’s?

Time can either be well spent or wasted. And I don’t have time to lose.